if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
