Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i was born a porn star she said
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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