No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
