i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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