is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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