I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
