Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
