I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
