I met the friendliest cop last night
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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