if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
