Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
