good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
