the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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