my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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