Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
