I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Say something about gay babies.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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