Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
