McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
