Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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