Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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