Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
