does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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