I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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