You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
