I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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