theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
