My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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