I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
