Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
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Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
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You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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