Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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