I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
