I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
