my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
