Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
