just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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