I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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