He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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