you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
