he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
