he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
