Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My bed smells like the plague
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
