My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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