and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
