so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
