How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
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Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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