i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
