apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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