No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
His hands were made for my vagina.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
