Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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