He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
