I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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