I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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