Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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