Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
