My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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