first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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