Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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