Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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