I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
