so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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