Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
